When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
— Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude
We are taught that romantic relationships are the most important relationships in our lives, and that they should fulfill our every need and desire. This aligns with the fairytale idea of romantic love and living happily ever after. The reality is often quite different. In fact, intimate relationships often challenge and trigger us the most.
Few of us are taught how to work on relationships or manage conflict. Having worked with many couples, I have observed that they separate not from lack of love, but because conflict becomes unmanageable and their connection gradually fades. When we expect one person to meet all our emotional needs, conflicts can feel even more devastating.
A social network creates a broader support system and reduces the expectation that our partner should meet all our needs or always be there for us. This in turn supports healthier intimate relationships. Deep and enduring friendships enrich our lives and enhance our wellbeing.
Friendship is Underrated
We live in a culture that idealizes the perfect romantic relationship that will make us whole and fulfill all our needs. Songs, advertising, and social media promote this message, leaving friendship relegated to something less important. However, platonic relationships can be profound sources of intimacy, meaning, and belonging, all very important for our health and wellbeing. Because we undervalue friendships, we also tend to assume they should come easily and naturally, without much effort or intention.
How to Be a Better Friend
Psychologist Marisa Franco, whose research focuses on adult friendship, offers insight into the importance of building and keeping platonic relationships. In her work, she discovered some truths about how we can practice and develop friendships.
The first is that we tend to underestimate how much others like us. Studies show that the majority of us underestimate how much other people like us. The more self-critical we are, the more we fear that people will reject us, even if this does not reflect reality. We can become more secure by beginning to assume that potential friends like us. In our insecurity, many of us hold back, assuming indifference where others actually feel warmth. Taking initiative, reaching out, suggesting a walk or a coffee, is less risky than it may feel.
Another common misunderstanding is that we need to impress people by being competent, looking good or having it all together. The research shows that the opposite is true — we are drawn to our shared humanity. This means sharing our vulnerability, being authentic and present in relationship.
We may also believe that conflict should not be part of friendships. However, being able to navigate a conflict well often deepens rather than damages a friendship. The willingness to stay and work something through is in itself an act of care.
Finally, affection should not be underrated — expressing ourselves warmly and genuinely strengthens friendships at every stage. In the early days of a friendship, it gives both people the confidence to keep investing in one another. Our positive regard and appreciation of our friends is what will keep the relationships alive over the years.
The Soul of Friendship
The Irish poet and mystic John O’Donohue wrote about what the Celtic tradition called anam cara — soul friend in old Irish Gaelic. Anam means soul, cara means friend. It points to a quality of connection that goes beyond companionship or shared history, toward something more like being truly seen. He saw friendship as something that evolves — good friends challenge each other, expand each other’s perspectives, and help each other become more alive. An anam cara is someone with whom we feel comfortable enough to fully be ourselves. At different times in our lives, this may be different people. These soul friends might also be animals or places in nature where we feel a deep and inspiring connection.
Friendship is a form of love where we do not pressure each other to think alike and we give each other room to change. A deep friendship nourishes our inner life and helps us to grow. O’Donohue also understood that genuine friendship has seasons. Not every phase is warm or close. Some periods are marked by distance, silence, or misunderstanding. He suggests that space or separation in friendship does not necessarily mean failure. These phases can be part of how relationships mature or reveal their truth. Like any relationship, it is our willingness to stay and to work through rupture that purifies a friendship and gives it depth. When life shifts — loss, stress, transformation — friendships either deepen or fall away, and both outcomes can be meaningful.
He left us with this blessing:
A Friendship Blessing by John O’Donohue
May you be blessed with good friends.
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought into the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them and may you be there for them; may they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth, and light that you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam cara.
In our fast-moving modern world, where many of us live alone and the hollow intimacy of social media substitutes for real contact, genuine connection has never felt more fragile. The invitation is to take our friendships as seriously as we take our partnerships, our health, and our work. We can reach out a little more than feels comfortable and let ourselves be seen. Friendship, it turns out, begins with how we relate to ourselves.